Contemplating a mid-life crisis, but not sure I have the time or inclination

I am dying. So are you so that’s okay. It is just a thing we do. If you did not know, my plan is to live to 956. It seems a reasonable sort of time in which to get some reading done. Apparently that might take some work. As of this morning I can no longer ignore the question “Are you on any regular medication?” I cannot quite convey the hatred I have for this. The fire that is raging now, ready to burn myself and the world. That bit is probably not too good for the blood pressure the medication is trying to sort out, but I have been getting my health sorted. I have lost weight, been eating better, drinking less, moving more. It is okay though. I will get this shit sorted.

 So…

I believe, traditionally, that it is times like this, being made aware of the fragility of one’s existence and the idea that perhaps you are getting closer to the end than the start, is supposed to lead to one more desperate bid to recapture, or hang to, the youth that is being left behind. In a number of ways I am a bit of a traditionalist, a progressive one but still a traditionalist (I am sure that is not quite the contradiction that it appears to be), so the idea of a mid-life crisis needs to be considered, however I am not quite sure I can find the time. What would I do? How would I go about it? When would I fit it in? These are the existential question that confront me as I prepare for the day on this day of days.

The idea of a torrid affair holds the obvious initial appeal. More of what is good can only be better and different has the novelty factor. The problem lies in the further consideration that surely must come before engaging in such activities. I am not interested in the betrayal side of things, worrying about getting caught, or any of that. That is all just details that post coitus counselling and begging would fix eventually (My wife reviews my writing. Apparently begging would not do it). It is more: “could I actually be bothered? What would the benefits actually be?” Sure, first kisses are pretty special, but I am fortunate enough to have had the same woman in my arms these past 23 years. We know each other. She is amazing. Anybody else would simply not be worth the energy. So, not happening.

There is always the idea of a flash sports car of some description. I have a friend who did that. Was fun for a while, but then he crashed it and has gone back to something that is actually reasonable. Anyway, I am not that interested in cars. I am frequently asked by students what powers my ute. They are surprised when I tell them that I don’t know because I don’t care. “Does the car do what I need it to?” Yes or no are the only answers that matter. Besides, I cannot afford it. I would like another motorbike – I had to sell mine a couple of years ago due to cost cuts – but I cannot afford that either. A tractor would be nice.

What else? I have had too many careers to actually change one for mid-life crisis reasons besides, I love my job. I will eventually write a book, once I figure out what it will be. I did have an idea though… hopefully more to come on that soon. I would sort of like to jump from a plane or something one day, but I am not particularly in a rush. I could pull out the skateboard but my knees are dodgy as it is. My not wishing to be part of the crowd precludes me from many other activities. Besides, I am not sure where I would actually fit any of this stuff in.

Maybe this is the benefit of being busy; no time for the frivolous crisis as it constantly feels like the ice is about to break anyway. Currently I fit in the following hats: full time English teacher, rugby coach, athletics coach, lifting coach, four kids (three with ASD), fifteen pigs on 100acres, studying Master of Arts – English at 0.5, household duties shared with my wife who works about 13 hours a day 6 days a week in her business, trying to get the garden going, being an occasional thrower and weightlifter, and trying not to cry when people tell me how busy they are. I feel like I am missing something.

I do not have the inclination for a midlife crisis because my life is awesome. My wife keeps me sane-ish, my kids at home are turning into truly amazing people, and my school babies keep me young and old at the same time. I cannot fit it in because my life is awesome, though I have a bit on, and I see no benefit for me or those I love. I definitely do not have time for high blood pressure, the medication that is currently making me feel tired and lightheaded, or the potential for heart attack and stroke that threatens to destroy all the above.

When my wife comes home tonight and the kids are in bed, I will have a little cry because I am scared and want to do and see so much. I feel threatened.

Tomorrow, I will see the doctor and start to figure out a way to destroy that which would keep me from my future. And destroyed it will be. I do not have time for it to be otherwise.