Contemplating a mid-life crisis, but not sure I have the time or inclination

I am dying. So are you so that’s okay. It is just a thing we do. If you did not know, my plan is to live to 956. It seems a reasonable sort of time in which to get some reading done. Apparently that might take some work. As of this morning I can no longer ignore the question “Are you on any regular medication?” I cannot quite convey the hatred I have for this. The fire that is raging now, ready to burn myself and the world. That bit is probably not too good for the blood pressure the medication is trying to sort out, but I have been getting my health sorted. I have lost weight, been eating better, drinking less, moving more. It is okay though. I will get this shit sorted.

 So…

I believe, traditionally, that it is times like this, being made aware of the fragility of one’s existence and the idea that perhaps you are getting closer to the end than the start, is supposed to lead to one more desperate bid to recapture, or hang to, the youth that is being left behind. In a number of ways I am a bit of a traditionalist, a progressive one but still a traditionalist (I am sure that is not quite the contradiction that it appears to be), so the idea of a mid-life crisis needs to be considered, however I am not quite sure I can find the time. What would I do? How would I go about it? When would I fit it in? These are the existential question that confront me as I prepare for the day on this day of days.

The idea of a torrid affair holds the obvious initial appeal. More of what is good can only be better and different has the novelty factor. The problem lies in the further consideration that surely must come before engaging in such activities. I am not interested in the betrayal side of things, worrying about getting caught, or any of that. That is all just details that post coitus counselling and begging would fix eventually (My wife reviews my writing. Apparently begging would not do it). It is more: “could I actually be bothered? What would the benefits actually be?” Sure, first kisses are pretty special, but I am fortunate enough to have had the same woman in my arms these past 23 years. We know each other. She is amazing. Anybody else would simply not be worth the energy. So, not happening.

There is always the idea of a flash sports car of some description. I have a friend who did that. Was fun for a while, but then he crashed it and has gone back to something that is actually reasonable. Anyway, I am not that interested in cars. I am frequently asked by students what powers my ute. They are surprised when I tell them that I don’t know because I don’t care. “Does the car do what I need it to?” Yes or no are the only answers that matter. Besides, I cannot afford it. I would like another motorbike – I had to sell mine a couple of years ago due to cost cuts – but I cannot afford that either. A tractor would be nice.

What else? I have had too many careers to actually change one for mid-life crisis reasons besides, I love my job. I will eventually write a book, once I figure out what it will be. I did have an idea though… hopefully more to come on that soon. I would sort of like to jump from a plane or something one day, but I am not particularly in a rush. I could pull out the skateboard but my knees are dodgy as it is. My not wishing to be part of the crowd precludes me from many other activities. Besides, I am not sure where I would actually fit any of this stuff in.

Maybe this is the benefit of being busy; no time for the frivolous crisis as it constantly feels like the ice is about to break anyway. Currently I fit in the following hats: full time English teacher, rugby coach, athletics coach, lifting coach, four kids (three with ASD), fifteen pigs on 100acres, studying Master of Arts – English at 0.5, household duties shared with my wife who works about 13 hours a day 6 days a week in her business, trying to get the garden going, being an occasional thrower and weightlifter, and trying not to cry when people tell me how busy they are. I feel like I am missing something.

I do not have the inclination for a midlife crisis because my life is awesome. My wife keeps me sane-ish, my kids at home are turning into truly amazing people, and my school babies keep me young and old at the same time. I cannot fit it in because my life is awesome, though I have a bit on, and I see no benefit for me or those I love. I definitely do not have time for high blood pressure, the medication that is currently making me feel tired and lightheaded, or the potential for heart attack and stroke that threatens to destroy all the above.

When my wife comes home tonight and the kids are in bed, I will have a little cry because I am scared and want to do and see so much. I feel threatened.

Tomorrow, I will see the doctor and start to figure out a way to destroy that which would keep me from my future. And destroyed it will be. I do not have time for it to be otherwise.

How do I avoid turning this into a clumsy life affirming metaphor?

Some serendipitous reading and listening this week. I am reading Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own for uni. That is coupled with getting my head around the walking contradiction that is Jordan Peterson. I also stumbled across the article in the link below. The link between the first two is the most immediately clear. Between Woolf and the article is fairly obvious if you are familiar with Woolf’s own meandering through the opening chapter of the book. All three tie together in a way not immediately apparent, but in way that fits with the place my head is in and the purpose of this little blog. The ABC’s Radio National offered some added flavour to my thinking.

I have been struggling with my thoughts on Peterson since I first starting hearing and reading about him. On the one hand, he offers much food for thought on the way our modern society is structured and how we arrived at this place. On the other, he comes to some rather odd conclusions based on some fairly dodgy, academically speaking, grounds. I giggled (in a bookstore) to myself when I opened his book to a random page and read that we should be open to new thoughts and ideas as the world has changed and we must change with it. Considering his fame-making stand on pronouns alone, it seems that his mind is heading in two directions at once. I wish to explore his ideas further at some stage, so will leave that there.

A Room of One’s Own could very simply, with an updated setting, be written now and apply equally to a number of disadvantaged groups. The weight of historical disadvantage is a real thing. Woolf is writing in a time when, finally, women are beginning to be treated as equals. In this time, she explores why there is no female Shakespeare, why the Jane Austens and Brontes are historically few and far between. Why, in her own time, there were still so, comparative to men, few female authors. Her own situation, living on a fairly generous inheritance, is an uncommon thing for the women of her time.

This “power of privilege” is highlighted by Woolf’s situation and its current iteration explored on The Roundtable. That inherited wealth leads to privilege is hard to argue against. If an individual gets a head start not available to all, by nature they are automatically in front. This is not to say that this needs to be stopped. My personal issue with this is that it seems to be offensive, normally to those with the head start, to even acknowledge the fact. The issue we have as a society, is that the head start is growing exponentially. Look to the growing inequality in most western countries to see this at work.

So, to the tenuous link to the desire paths article and an attempt to avoid the metaphor issue. I probably can’t do the second. There is something wonderful about this article. That human nature seeks the path of least resistance is hardly a remarkable new finding. It leads into the other idea I heard discussed, this time Ben Okri on The Book Show, that we, as humans seek simplicity. While these together explain the sad nature of national and international politics, they also offer hope for the future. They explain why politicians who disregard nuance poll incredibly well, “here is the problem (simple), here is how we deal with it (direct)”. It explains Trump, Peterson, Brexit and many other things.

I am hopeful though. Simple answers can be a good thing. People are struggling; let’s help them. If a law is wrong; fix it. Similarly the direct path can cut through the rubbish, the bureaucracy of our existence. Maybe I am overly optimistic. It seems quite possible as it is generally my nature. I agree with Peterson when he talks about humans having, or developing, the solutions to human problems. That fixing things locally, the clean room, can be a launching pad to fix the big issues. While human nature is destructive in many ways, the ability to develop our own creative path forward cannot be overstated.

I will finish with a wonderful gift from Woolf. These lines: Alas, laid on the grass how small, how insignificant this thought of mine looked; the sort of fish that a good fisherman puts back into the water so that it may grow fatter and be one day worth cooking and eating.

I am hoping that some of my ideas, that I am placing, sometimes throwing, into this stream might be the same.

https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2018/oct/05/desire-paths-the-illicit-trails-that-defy-the-urban-planners?CMP=fb_gu&fbclid=IwAR0trzzY-C7_xVXk_KX7C0SfSGVIYSwhHYMIWFnunk_6WUE5fVpK5fUOfQo

Curiosity and the expression it leaves

“I pretty much try to stray in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face” Johnny Depp

That probably explains his issues with Australian quarantine laws, but, when I read this, many years ago, I could not help but think that this was an appropriate way of life. Of course my expression is way prettier than his, but even if it wasn’t it seems a reasonable starting point to build a philosophical approach to living.

One of my favourite commercials ever is The Discovery Channel ad of a few years ago (see link below). We are surrounded by amazing and beautiful things both natural and man-made. To go through life blind to this is to miss out on experiencing great wonder on a regular basis. Tonight I will be woken by the full moon as it crosses to the west and begins shining directly onto my head. Sure I could close the blind — such as it is — but that would mean blocking the air flow which is as valuable as sleep in the North Queensland summer. Besides that, it is beautiful. A moon so bright it casts long shadows making torches redundant. Angled right, I could read by it. So instead, I will have a little whinge, then lie there, basking in its glory as my mind plays with the thoughts that skitter through.

A book I read most years is Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything. It is something I recommend to everyone. The world is truly astonishing for the curious minded. Even Bryson’s ever constant cynicism is caged by the majesty and the humbling minutiae of the universe we are lucky enough to exist in. The journey he takes me on, from the big bang, through to our bacterial grandparents, to the physics, science and mathematics that govern our very existence, leaves me with a renewed sense of awe as I focus back on the world around me.

So, Johnny had it almost right. It is right to be confused, but to simply leave it there is to stumble blindly, if still prettily, through an existence bereft of substance. There is enough in the world to be blown away by something amazing every day. A dear friend just recently called me “a nerd who reads lots of weird shit”. I was quite chuffed with this however I am well aware that perhaps this is not a goal for everyone. Perhaps there is a need to let the brain switch off with The Married at First Sight Bachelor Party Special. But when it is time to wake it up again, wake it up with the realisation that your senses have the ability to take in something astounding then do something about it.

None of us know enough about the world. So be curious. I am sure it will leave a wonderful expression on your face.

#curiosity #billbryson #ashorthistoryofnearlyeverything

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mg-Rx5K2DQ